Stark vs Colbert
by qwanderer
Summary: Stephen Colbert's head whipped towards the camera. "Welcome back everybody! My guest tonight: A man who's not afraid to admit that he's sensitive under his colorful candy shell - Tony Stark!"


"Welcome back everybody! My guest tonight: A man who's not afraid to admit that he's sensitive under his colorful candy shell - Tony Stark!"

The screaming was deafening as Stephen Colbert ran across the stage to where Tony Stark was lounging in the interview chair. Stephen bowed and blew kisses at the audience before shaking Tony's hand and sitting down, mirroring the inventor's relaxed pose.

"Before we talk about the book, there's something else I want to bring up here. I have a bone to pick with you. You privatized world peace."

The audience erupted yet again, a second wave of enthusiasm which challenged the first for volume.

Colbert nodded solemnly at the audience. "Yes, I know, I'm furious with him too."

"I like peace. Peace is important. We needed it and the governments didn't seem to be making that happen. So I stepped in."

"Peace is good when America makes there be peace by having the biggest guns."

"I am the biggest gun." Tony smirked.

"If you privatize it, you're just making America look bad. You can't keep the peace all to yourself. You have to spread it around. In the form of weapons. And then we can all celebrate by throwing the weapons at each other."

.

"So you're here promoting your new book, Tony Stark: A Man Reforged. What's it about?"

"Just your basic book about being held prisoner in Afghanistan. I'm sure you do interviews like this all the time."

"Yes, this is just like any other day for me." Stephen leaned back arrogantly in his chair, put his arm over the back in a one sided shrug.

"You know, it's okay if you want to geek out."

Stephen's eyes widened and he leaned intently towards Stark. "You're Iron Man." He held his hands out in front of him and shook them a little for emphasis.

Tony grinned "I know, I'm pretty amazing. But try not to hyperventilate."

"Right, right. Okay. So, you invented the miniaturized arc reactor. What is that?"

"Well, it's a clean, efficient and compact energy source. Pretty much the greatest practical advance in science since the invention of the wheel."

"And in this book you finally reveal how and why it was created. So you've got one of these things embedded in your chest, is that right?"

"That is true." Tony tapped the glowing circle that was apparent under his shirt.

"Can I touch it?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Come on. Just this once."

"How about this. Only if you let me touch Captain Lead." Stark gestured towards the Shelves of Honor.

Colbert gasped. "That is indecent, Sir! How dare you propose such a thing!"

They paused as the audience cracked up.

"All right, let's get serious for a minute here."

"I'll do my best but I can't promise anything."

"Now, in the book, you mention that your father was not very present in your childhood."

"Well, if I was being nice I would say he was a busy man. But I'm me, so he was self-centered and hard to know."

"But that's how a father should be. Emotionally distant so you constantly crave their love. My children understand that they only get to talk to me on days when they've won the Nobel peace prize. That motivates them."

.

"So on top of everything else you excel at, you can also write? Is this all truly the work of one man?" Stephen asked.

"Does it count if I built the guy who helped me write it?"

"How does that even work? What do you put in the acknowledgements, 'I'd like to thank myself for building machines that compensate for my every human weakness'?"

Tony chuckled. "Jarvis, no, Jarvis is - he's like family. He definitely deserves some credit here."

"Now that's another thing I'm going to have to take issue with. Fraternizing with the enemy. Everyone knows that robots are plotting to take over the world. When it comes down to it, whose side will you be on? Choose, sir. Us or them?"

"Them, definitely," Tony shot back without hesitation. "Jarvis is better company than the vast majority of humans I've met, and if he ever did decide to take over the world, I don't think even I could stop him."

.

"You've been called 'merchant of death.' What would I have to do to get an awesome nickname like that?"

"Uh, making a lot of questionable decisions?"

"I could do that."

"You don't need nicknames. You get things named after you. You're the king of branding. I mean come on, you're Stephen Colbert."

Stephen smiled widely. "I know, but try not to hyperventilate."

The audience broke into another wave of cheering.

"Thank you so much for joining me. The book is Tony Stark: A Man Reforged!"

* * *

.

* * *

Author's Notes:

I really wish there was an Iron Man movie category, because that's where I'd put this. As it is I'm torn between Ironman comics and Avengers. I've never read Ironman comics.

Stephen Colbert the newscaster is totally a fictional character, he just happens to be played by an actor who's also named Stephen Colbert. The real person says so all the time. Also this is primarily an Iron Man fic. So don't report me please.

A lot of the Colbert stuff was written by my sister RoseApprentice, so, give her like all the credit. Or like 12% of the credit. ;)


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